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| 02:05pm 02/07/2008 |
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so for the last week and half I've been trying to register for VCC, and atlas is the devil. It was down for almost a week, and now I'm trying to register, and it wont let me. Who understands it where they can help me? please. |
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| 07:46pm 28/05/2008 |
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So the Nissan was a no go.
I ended up getting the Scion xB, in white, :o]
I also went out and got a tattoo, yes another one.
It's the spirit of Ra.
Thursday is my fathers 49th birthday I bought him a hammock for his birthday.
More recently I have realized that I lack relationships.
I don't have that many friends, and at the moment I work to much to keep up with them if I had them. I know that I am a cool person, who gets along with all people, so I don't know why I don't have friends. But I'm okay with that, I have been spending a lot of time with myself lately, and I've been getting a lot done.
I'm going to be taking Keoki to get a bath, flea treatment, and his nails clipped, on Friday.
I am also getting my injections on Friday..... fun. |
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| 02:29pm 15/05/2008 |
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mood:  content
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So I wake up... my car keys are gone the power is turned off, and my computer doesn't work.
My dad took my car.... which means some how he got into my locked room.
The power is turned off because he didn't pay it on time.
My adaptor doesn't charge my battery to my computer because it sucks.
Waited on the phone for about an hour getting reconnected to different dell 'agents' they're sending me a new one and hopefully it will change...
I think I'm falling for a Mexican... lmao it's a long story but he's one of my nicest, passionate, and honorable person I've ever met. But of course instead of just letting things happen and be happy about it I'm probably am going not want to get involved because in 4 months I know he'll be going back to his country, and instead take my chances and get with the bad boy -who isn't good for me at all and I know it will cause trouble- chef from new jersey. Thats just the type of person I am.
I miss having my friends, it sucks that I work so much, and I don't have time for anyone else.
But it is paying off I've been saving up money.
In other news I'm getting a new car next week.
B R A N D N E W N O P R O B L E M S!!!!!
Nissan Altima Coupe in White 2008
:o] can you say ballin', I can " baaaalllliiiiin' "
& I have some money saved up for school.
:oP
pretty much my dad cant do anything right and I have to sit there and ignore it because theres nothing I can do about it. |
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| 02:21pm 13/05/2008 |
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Yet again foolish mistakes come back to haunt me, and ruin something that could be great.
I'm all over you, I'm not over you. I just want you to love me back.
In other news I'm getting my new car this week hopefully.
& Thursday afterwards I'm going to go to VCC and find out how much school is going to cost in August. |
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| 12:45pm 24/04/2008 |
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Moving all these week, well for the next two weeks whenever the time is convenient. Living on my own wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Except for living paycheck by paycheck sometimes not going shopping or having money to treat yourself is a low sacrifice. So I'm moving back in with my dad because I'm trying to save money since I need a new car, and I need to go to college, school is by far more important then coming home to my own place.
Home is where the heart is and my heart will just have to bare it for a few months. |
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| 01:18pm 11/04/2008 |
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I have no idea what I'm looking for. |
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| 02:35pm 25/03/2008 |
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| 09:00pm 29/02/2008 |
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music: Snoozer The last time
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So I already paid for march, so april I am moving out into another place a house, with another stranger. This week I am going to go look at the house, but the guy was nice and sent me photos so I got a sneak peak. It's on Osceola Pkwy. So now instead of my rent being 550, it's going to be rent - 400, and whatever ult. is after it's been split three ways. I'm going to be moving away from everyone else, however there is a walmart, publix, and VCC campus over there, and I know have to take a toll route to get to work but that's okay.
Heres the pictures;
House:
My room:
Closet: (it is a walk in)
Bathroom:
I have a pool!!!!
From the pictures the walls in the bedroom/bathroom look pink........ew
so those are going to be painted aqua, and I'm going to buy black chalk board paint cause it's cool for the door, or maybe one wall. :o] |
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| 11:55am 14/02/2008 |
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mood:  artistic music: Resident Evil
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this is going to be my live journal how ever I am going to create a second one in which I am going to start writing my book in, I'm doing this so that if anyone happens to be interested you can reply, with corrections, or instead ofs, different ideas or routes to take, etc you know where I'm going with this. I'd really appreciate it if people were whiling to do this, give your responsive accusations.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ohso_ashley |
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| 02:49pm 13/02/2008 |
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One day and two months, until I turn 19.
The year went by fast.
What have I been doing to pass the time. |
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| 02:45pm 10/02/2008 |
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mood:  calm music: Damien Rice FUCK YOU
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All I really want out of my life, is to feel alive.
I'm going to the beach this Friday, by myself (probably), to be alone, to think, to write.
I'm going to drive the whole way there with depressing music, screaming at the top of my lungs.
With my hand tracing the wind back and forth.
I'm going to go to the store before hand, and make myself a lunch to bring with me.
I just need space to think.
I miss being inspired.
Hopefully college will change everything. |
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| 05:40pm 01/02/2008 |
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FUCKKKKK FUCKING PEOPLE.
Even when you have to depend on someone else apparently it's to hard.
just everyone leave me alone.
i wont be answering my phone. |
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| 05:32pm 26/01/2008 |
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I think I might write a book. |
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| Where did my life go? |
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| 01:56pm 24/01/2008 |
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mood:  blank music: Nothing
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All I do now is sleep, shower, eat, work, repeat.
Where the fuck did my life go?
I feel like a zombie, I really do, not a brain eating zombie, a brain washed zombie.
Nothing exciting happens, I don't make the effort.
What would be the point if I did?
I have like... two friends, out of everyone.
Not to say I was popular, but I'm outgoing and got along with everyone.
Not having friends isn't the problem I'm facing, it's not having someone to talk to.
No one to spill my guts out to.
I'd trade everything right now, just to have my brother back.
He's my number one on myspace, the background on my phone, his pictures are all over my dads house. I haven't seen my niece because looking at her reminds me of him.
He's the only one that understands what I'm going through and can give me decent advice, I write he doesn't write back..... I ask if he's called my dads house he says no, I send him my own money so he can buy soap and food, and drinks, how much longer is he going to be in jail... it's been almost 6 months.
Everyone always talks about how God gives you struggles, and tests you.... Well I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't rob people, I work to survive, so why does everything bad that can possibly happen to someone.... happen to me? My mom hit me, my dads a drug addict, my brothers a drug dealer.... If there's anything to make you strong I don't think it can get more fucked up then that.
In other news, I hate not having fucking cable. It use to drain out all the bad stuff.
So instead, I bought about 60-70 dollars worth the used books off of Amazon.
Haven't read:
Pure Sunshine
Stranger Then Fiction
A Clockwork Orange (which came from belguim)
Virgin Suicides
I am Legend
Have read:
Fight Club
Girl, Interrupted
Have read but lost:
Diary
Perks of being a wallflower
So now I own about half of the Chuck Palahniuk books he's written.
I just need::
Rant (the new one)
Fugitives and Refugees
Clown girl (him & Monica Drake)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (him & Ken Kesey, Robert Faggen, Joe Sacco)
Error Humano
Der Simulant
Nonfiction
Lullaby
Snuff
Flug 2039
Nana (Literatura) |
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| 01:11pm 17/12/2007 |
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I have my own apartment, I'm almost free!!!!!!! Now to get a second job so I can actually have money.
Thank you Joshua for everything babe! I couldn't be able to be in my apartment right now if you didn't help me. |
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| 01:35am 14/12/2007 |
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THEY TOOK OFF CAVEMEN
nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| 12:57am 14/12/2007 |
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I sit in my bed covered but yet so empty. I stare out into my empty room. I'm looking at the blank walls, and the empty closet. There's about 200 hangers, and no clothes. The shadows mocking the light. The dark bookcase empty but it still glows, cardboard cut-outs is not flattering for me. I hope I get my credit card tomorrow so I can buy new sheets, pillows, a tv stand, and a night stand.
My room mate gave me the key to the apartment, but the other guy wont be out until Saturday night. So I'm going to bring all of my boxes over, and put them outside or he said I could put them in his bedroom. Then Saturday after work or Sunday before work, I'm going to have to take apart my book case, bed, and mattress, and find someone who is whiling to let me use there truck to load that stuff in.
Moving out is going to work if I have to make it work. Sorry if anyone calls me this weekend is extremely hectic, and next week I work monday-saturday, so I'll be swamped. Wish me luck though ♥ |
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| When are you finally going to start doing stuff for you? |
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| 05:01am 12/12/2007 |
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This year has gone by so fast in two days, and four months I will be 19 years old. The fact is that right now I am 18, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid if I stay in this house I will blink my eyes, and I'll be 22 before I know it, and still trying to mend together my brothers life, and my fathers life. I can't, I can't now at 18, I couldn't when I first started trying at the age of 16, and I doubt I'll be able to when I'm 22. I am whiling to do whatever it takes to get all this negativity out of my life, finally, for once and for all, so I can move on and do the things I want need to do. I know that telling my father and my brother to go fuck them self, and everyone else can kiss my ass for trying to judge me makes me feel guilty and selfish, but you want to know what I have never been selfish. I have never really done anything for me. For the passed 4,6,8? years I have been doing my whole families laundry, cooking them dinner, taking care of everyone who was suppose to me taking care of me, and I dealt with it, and went on with my life trying to be as normal as everything else. I have been working since I was legally able to work, I have always been happy with everything I've had, laughing, joyful, smile like sunshine..... & for what, now I'm miserable, nerve racking, and on edge, I'VE NEVER BEEN LIKE THIS. Heres the thing that I can't seem to stop wondering as I lay in bed, tired as a dog, what if I was still in high school right now? Would my father be forced to actually be responsible? Would I have be assumed to work to pay my bills and some of my fathers, would I not be accused to being a bad sister for not seeing my brother while hes in jail? Or would I still of been left with the opinion of dropping out? Sometimes kids really do have to drop out and work full time to support themselves and there family, yes even in the millenia, this day and age. No that doesn't mean that I am stupid, or lazy, or a drug addict... It means that not all of us are so lucky to have a Brady Bunch family. My family hasn't been that way since I can remember. Maybe when I was 6 years old? When even then how sad is it that a man who is a friend of the family was more of a father then my own father was now, and then. I know that every trial and error makes me stronger, that in the end of the day I will be happier because of this, but to what extent? Do I really have to cut myself off of my father, and my family, to get a little recognition? After moving out and struggling because I refuse to come back to this hell hole, will people then want to help me? Like helping someone now a days for the common respect is too much, but we now only do it for the pity sake, when someone important to looking to pat you on the back. I don't think I should have to get down on one knee and beg for help, and good advice, so I wont start doing so now.
As far as I'm concerned my new years revolution is to never, ever, stoop low enough where I feel forced to have to take someone elses weight on my shoulders, and have to put someone else before me. & as far as I'm concerned after I move out... I don't think I will be visiting my father too much, and I'm going to make whatever excuses I can so that I don't have to. He hasn't changed who he is now because of me or anything else thats happened, so why the hell am I changing myself because of the different fucked up situations that he's put me in.
& you want to know what because of all this I've come to the point that I probably won't ever last in a decent lovely sexual normal compassionate relationship, because I can't cope with people who don't need my help, who are actually stable I've never been blessed to be around that before in my life and I think I'm okay with that. I know that I'll be able to deal with it. I know that in my heart one day I will make a man extremely happy because I am a caring, good hearted person, and I'd do anything for someone I love in case this who entry wasn't enough to prove that. Ya know the whole tearing myself down from who I actually am because of someone else who I am forced to love.
I need to keep this co-co train moving forward on my life, and nothing, is going to slow me down.
-job check
-car check
-apt check (dec.15th)
-$$$ check (first paycheck dec.14th)
The new ashley of 2008
-2nd job
-school
-money
-living life to the fullest and never having to look back
keep on truckin lmao. jking. Its 5:30 my mind is moving about 350t89434598 hours a minute, I'm trying to amuse myself. |
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| Here I am in a bubble, I never meant to cause you trouble I never meant to be around |
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| 03:37pm 09/12/2007 |
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Whenever the holidays come up I can't seem to look back and remember all my forgotten memories, what happened? I remember this time of year two years ago, it was cold, I wasn't working this much, and I was excited about Sean's Christmas party, and I was buying all my dear friends gifts. This time of year last year I had met Johnathan, we started talking to each other and started dating in January, I was reconnecting with a few friends, I was with my brother and his gf who was pregnant at the time, But this Christmas and New Years holiday I'm going to be working, packing, moving, & probably am going to be alone.
Where is the joy, the family, the hallmark touch doing the season? Everyone always talks about how hallmark makes up holidays; valentines, easter, santa claus for christmas, well I never got what they were saying until now. I never understood why everyone went out and wasted money on lust, and perfection; now I know that it's when they look back they'll have something.... someone, to be happy with. I was someone to be happy with. Why is that so hard to find? Oh... it's not, well just because its not to someone else it might be to me.
I have worked thursday-sunday this week, and then I'm working monday-wednesday, saturday and sunday. Then, monday-saturday. So I pretty much for the next two weeks have off thursday, friday, and sunday. & lots of loads of laundry to do. Worry about taxes, packing.... breaking my fathers heart. But it's something I know I have to do, I know I cant continue to live here, go to school, and work.... I wont be happy and I'll be burned out. So I'm FINALLY removing myself from the negativity, which so many people have been telling me to do, some many opportunities I've had. Well I'm 18, I'm moving out, I have a job, next semester I'll be going to community college, and by this time next year I'll hope to happy... Cause at this point in time I have a job, and I am moving out, and I know I will go to college, and I know I wont be suppressed by all this bad stuff and I wont have to be around it, but yet I'm still not happy. Honestly, I am empty. I feel no emotions lately. I feel no compassion, I feel guilt, and I feel freedom in my grip. Is it all going to be enough? Well I'll just have to wait and see.
O no, I see,
I spun a web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
O no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,
I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Although I never meant to do you harm. |
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| 03:48am 06/12/2007 |
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so how do you tell your father that you want to move out because of him, the fact that youre his pride and joy, and that youre his baby, girl. I have no idea, but tomorrow thats my challenge.
Fuck disney seriously, I woke up at 8 to go to traditions to get my ID to clock in and out, and.... my hair is unnatural, and I had to go and pay today to get my nails taken off because they were too long. ITS TIPS, I cant just cut them you dumb bitch.... wtf!?!?
I like someone who I haven't met yet, and his sweetness is whining me over, and hes one of the nicest guys I've ever talked to and my curiosity is driving me crazy at the moment. |
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